With four small children, my home is essentially a giant booby trap. Here’s what has caused me foot pain and/or grief today, ranked from mildly awful to “Good lord, why do we even have this?”

5. Hard plastic teething rings

You’ve probably got some of these lying around. In fact you probably have a couple under your couch cushions, in your silverware drawer, under one or more kids’ beds, and in your toilet tank. (Don’t ask me!) They get everywhere, but they’re essentially harmless and good for young babies like Fourth Corder to grab on without poking their eyes out. And they’re cheap. I stepped on one coming down the stairs from my office, and while it wasn’t pleasant, I didn’t curse out loud or immediately break it into pieces. Not too bad.

4. Hot Wheels

Call them Matchbox cars if you want—they still hurt like the dickens if your kids are toy snobs and only have real cast metal ones. Throw in the potential for some accidental roller skating and you have a great all-around disaster waiting to happen. I only caught the left fender of a ’14 Camaro, so fortunately I didn’t lose my balance. Still, I’m impressed with the suspension.

3. Chalk

Ranked this high not because of the pain, but because it disintegrated and it now looks like someone has a terrible neon cocaine habit. And because there will be pain later when my kids discover I ruined the one and only piece of chalk out of roughly 100 that all of them simultaneously wanted to use.

2. LEGO bricks

A perennial favorite of parents with children is the familiar yet always shocking jab of a plastic corner into the arch of the foot. LEGO’s build quality is so outstanding that my grandchildren will play with the LEGO I had as a kid. It also means I have a better chance of breaking a metatarsal than doing any damage to those Danish terror toys.

1. A wet, sticky potholder

I just don’t even want to think about this anymore.

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